Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
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When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”