Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
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[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.