My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
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Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A dead goose is called a ghoost
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?