Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
You Might Also Like
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I put the p in pants.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster