establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?