I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Chicken bread
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
love pickles so much i put myself in one
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it