Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.