Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?