Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Why is everyone getting married at me
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely