I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
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[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Close call…
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us