*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Venn
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.