Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Grow up never but we old may grow we
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
They must have gotten it to go.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Happy Thanksgiving
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city