Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
It’s the weekend y’all
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Just ordered me some pizza!
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat