Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.