Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol