This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves