Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
How I’d get arrested…
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box