How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The smoothest fall of all time
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.