My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now