Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door