Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
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Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.