Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[screaming into the void]
MARCO