Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?