Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
😍😂🥰😂😍
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?