Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Never forget.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
yeet
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk