I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*