The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
marvel comics have peaked
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.