A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.