My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
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Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.