A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
that de-escalated quickly
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
dads on road-trips be like
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*