[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
According to math, I’m broke
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings