Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Somebody’s lying.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.