No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.