Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Going into Monday like
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Hilarious if literal: arms race
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE