“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.