Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler