My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
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Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?