John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
BaD BoY!!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean