If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
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FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Not all heroes wear capes…
#Thanos #MondayMood
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?