People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.