just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Maths meets science
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.