[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.