When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Midwest trash talk
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.