writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
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6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
is it earth
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Bill is short for Billiam
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid