INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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You learn something every day
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.