Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Unexpected Judgment
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.