bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)