Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse