But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I love art.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.