I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.